6:00AM: Taylor’s cat, Detective Olivia Benson Swift, summons her for her morning stretches and meditation.
6:30AM: Ellen Pompeo arrives for Taylor’s morning checkup. Ellen pleads that she is not an actual doctor, she just plays one on Grey’s Anatomy, but Taylor refuses to accept her petty excuses. Ellen performs emergency surgery on the paper cut Taylor got while cutting out Ina Garten recipes.
7:00AM: Taylor eats breakfast with her cats, who sit with her at her kitchen table, obviously. She eats three Low Fat Frosted Strawberry Poptarts. No more, no less.
8:03AM: Taylor gets ready for her day whilst blasting Beyoncé’s “Flawless“ on surround sound throughout her apartment. She chants “BOW DOWN, BITCHES!!!” from the windows, and her screams reach every square inch of New York City.
8:40AM: Karlie Kloss models her potential outfit choices for her on a rotating, circular stage while Taylor sits in a massage chair and takes notes on the influence of her crop top choices on the general public.
9:13AM: Taylor calls her publicist to let her know that she will need medical staff at all of her shows because some of her fans may not make it through her performance of “Bad Blood.” Her publicist agrees immediately.
9:18AM: Taylor drinks a Skinny Vanilla Latte from Starbucks, which is delivered to her by carrier owl every morning. Her carrier owl is Hedwig, who never actually died in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Taylor paid off J.K. Rowling to ensure that she could use him for her own personal coffee needs.
9:36AM: Her advisory board gathers in her living room to vote on which fans Taylor will send care packages to next. Lena Dunham suggests that Taylor waits until Christmas because there are no more holidays coming up. Taylor presses a button and Lena falls through a trap door. Ellen Degeneres cowers in the corner.
10:00AM: Taylor sits in front of her television, tears flowing down her face as she watches the Derek Shepherd montage from Grey’s Anatomy. She must watch this every morning so that she can never forget the tragic breaking of #TeamMerDer. She deletes Shonda Rhimes’s number from her iPhone.
10:27AM: Taylor sips a Diet Coke with a straw and works on the opening monologue for her upcoming world tour. In the monologue, she will remind everyone that it is indeed a world tour because her influence knows no limits.
11:00AM: Taylor’s security team arrives and they head out the door together to a flock of paparazzi. She smiles at them and steps into her Escalade, where a bottle of SmartWater has been properly chilled to a temperature of 35 degrees.
This post was inspired by Matt Bellassai’s post on LiterallyMatt.com